either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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