Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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