is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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