My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
