I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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