Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
well you can't waste a boner
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
