I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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