She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
