Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
