Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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