Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
