I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
