Will you blow on my dice?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
