a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize