I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
