Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
