My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
