did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
