oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Randomize
