My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
