I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
