Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
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Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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