I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
