DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
