our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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