His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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