There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
