Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
