I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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