remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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