my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
