A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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