So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
