piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
