I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
whose parrot is this?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize