I'm going to jail i love you
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
