At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
