if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
