and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He felt like a one man threesome
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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