sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
