I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
