God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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