He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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