one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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