I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
