I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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