It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
