1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
