the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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