apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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