my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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