Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
