I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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