That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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