i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
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watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
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I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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